i need to know how things work - the mechanisms behind the phenomena we witness. so it has helped me a lot to read the reports of mike's mri's and ct-scans so i can visualize what is going on in his body. the way i am made means that the "facts" as we perceive them through science give me solace.
i also crave predictability. living with the unknown makes me uncomfortable, such that i writhe anxiously [if only on the inside]. imagine if you had ants in your pants and they began to crawl all over you - you would do a little st. vitus dance trying to get them off of you. that's how i feel living with the unknown.
medical professionals are unwilling to say how long mike has to live with us on this earth. the lawyer/conspiracy theorist in me immediately sees this as their wanting to avoid malpractice lawsuits. [isn't everything about money?]
yet i also know this is the truth. no one knows the time or the place.
it is maddening.
but then i think, wouldn't it be more maddening to know?
sensing the nearing of the end is not intellectual. it is a matter of our many other senses.
4 comments:
I totally understand where you are coming from with this, Amy. I think I'm very much the same way. But that doesn't mean it's a lawyer thing. (Though it may make us better lawyers that we pay attention to detail and want to understand how things work). After I had brain surgery, I got copies of my medical and surgery records to learn as much as possible about what they'd done to me.
But I don't think knowing the exact day and time of death in advance would be helpful - or even right. The only way you can do that is if it's an execution or a suicide. And why do you need to know anyway? Do you have something important to plan or do for after Mike dies? To the extent possible - and I expect that's a tall order - you should try just to be and live with Mike and Elena one day at a time until he dies. I hope arrangements have been made at work for you to do so. If not, that's - in my opinion - what ought to happen. Love to you, Mike, and ElenaLu, Charlotta
Living in the state of unknowing is challenging for most all of us, but it is these times in our lives that we often see ( in retrospect) God working in and around us. Hope you feel accompanied in facing all the unknowns and am praying for you always for strength for the journey. Love you so much, Amy. Peace be with you. Hugs, Teresa
The saddest thing for me today is that I actually turned to your blog to lift my spirits -- to get away from the madness of Florida politics/racism, Tampon-fearing Texans, and the disaster that has become daily fare in this country and beyond.
At least here I know what the stakes are. I have been struck nearly dumb trying to find ways to talk with you both about Mike's illness. And, I rely on you both for knowing that there remain good/beautiful things in this world. You, Mike, and Elena are three of those good and beautiful things.
My love to you,
Diana
Dearest Any,
The loveliness in the three of you going through this experience openly, sadly and wonderingly allows those of us who love you, each and all three in separate ways, to be with you -- really BE with you. And we never know what is in store for us--grace and mercy through and in you for the huge and growing community that surrounds you with love.
Anita Beaty
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